The Wrong Right Thing

All I truly want is to be at peace with myself and the demonstration that I make that will one day leave a lasting impression on my children. That’s not easy thing to figure out in my shoes. The world says that when someone does something horrible to try to hurt you that you should hate that person and want nothing to do with them. But what if the person is someone who you loved with your whole heart? What if the person is someone so important that you laid your life down to try to save them? What if the person is left behind and suffering to find the means to eat and pay their bills today? Should I feel glory in this and call it justice? Should I say, “that’s what they get for all of the wrong they did to hurt me,” and should I carry on with my perfect life as if they never existed at all?

I’ve been listening to gospel messages and considering the character of Christ since 2016 when this all began. I spoke scriptures in a hospital room as if these words were a life line. I claimed these promises of a love that never fails us, never leaves us and is always ready to heal us and bless us when we are down. I then learned the true essence of the cross when I found the teachings of a man named Matt Chandler who had been healed of an incurable brain disease. His humility and grit in the meaning of what Jesus stands for shifted my perspective in all I’ve ever called “God”. To understand that a love so powerful exists – that this love would die for us not just on our good days but on our worst days and all the way through eternity without ever keeping record of a single wrong we’ve ever committed. It’s profound. It’s limitless. It’s everlasting. And I want that love but can I truly hold it within me? I think the answer is to this question is what has been haunting me all this time. I’m denying the truth of my own heart.

Throughout my life I’ve learned through experience how it feels to love a mother who hates my father. She would speak with her mouth, “I hope he’s burning in hell.” And then my stepdad who followed him into Heaven would later catch her wrath also as stories are told of all the bad things he did to her. I don’t doubt that he hurt her. I don’t doubt that he cheated on her and abused her in ways that made her feel scared. My husband did all these things to me too. But he’s the father of my children and to hate him is to hate a piece of them too. And to watch them hurting still today as they wish someone would help their dad get up and live a prosperous life is to deny that I wouldn’t do anything to make them feel ok – even if it means loving him the way they love him. Love should never be separated even when we’re persecuted, cursed and casted away by love. The bad times can’t erase the truth of the seeds that live inside of our hearts.

To love him the way God loves us all is to forget everything he did wrong to me and love him still.

i started working on a video script tonight for a movie trailer that I want to submit to Angel Studios. If i could get his story picked up and voted into a film, we might have enough money to help him buy a house so he doesn’t have to use all of his disability on rent. We also might have enough money to buy a house for us too so the kids can lay down in a bed at night knowing they always have a place to go.

More than the material things or the savior complex that I seem to have embedded in me sometimes at my own fault, I want to demonstrate to my children the power of a love that never stops forgiving and always wants to bless us even when we don’t deserve it. They know their father deserves nothing from me other than maybe a kick in the face but how powerful would it be if I could keep walking the path of God’s story that he gifted us in the ICU Room and not give up on sharing the story of the miracles we received with this world? And how powerful would it be if I could lay down my own pride and my own pain to at least give my best effort to honoring their father the only way I know how. He is after all quite a fighter and certainly a believer in God’s saving grace and second chances.

The world won’t understand it. They’ll call me a naive fool who was victim to a narcissistic man. But i’m not of this world. Where i come from love is all there is. And love is all we are.

It’s a long shot I know but it would certainly glorify God if someone would produce this film. And I imagine God would have a part 2 that would follow – highlighting the power of his love even when it seems foolish to love. I researched the meaning of forgiveness once. It’s not to pardon someone; not in the way Jesus said it anyway. He said “Father forgive them they know not what they do” and his words if properly translated would actually sound something like this. “Father give them your kingdom. Hold nothing back and give them your very best blessings that you have to offer.”

So tonight I pray that. I want God to help me make this video in a way that honors Him, protects the dignity of Josh and highlights his righteousness by FAITH alone and presents this story in a way that people will be dying to see it. They’ll vote it in at the top spot and it will make so much money we won’t have room enough to receive the blessings from God.

Then we can open the ranch with the animals and maybe Josh can even run it. I’m fighting tears as i write this. Yes, this is a story i’d love to see happen.

Thank you God… Thank you God’s angels for walking with me and thank you Jesus for the love you keep bleeding over us still today.