222 From Kauai Hawaii

I just woke up at 2:22 am from a dream. I tried to remember it as I stumbled to the bathroom with a looming feeling that it was very important. In this dream I was on a mission – very busy. And and as I stood in the bathroom in a daze i recalled the prayer that I wrote before i went to bed. I wrote a letter to God and asked for help. I’ve been seeking direction on a lot of things.

I heard “bless those who curse you,” in an inner voice. Then I heard words that seemed jumbled at first but I recognized they were from something I’d heard before. I didn’t really hear anything. This was like a soundtrack playing in my memory; much like a song that is stuck in my head subconsciously. It was words from an audio clip I’d heard long ago from the Sermon on the mount. “Bless those who curse you,” I heard.

I just was moved to a place called Bee Cave. No I’m seeing the bee attitudes in my search. I’m pasting this here and will revisit after I wake up tomorrow….

The an5 Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2 and he began to teach them.

The Beatitudes

He said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Salt and Light

13 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.

14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

The Fulfillment of the Law

17 “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. 18 For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. 19 Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. 20 For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.

Murder

21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder,[a] and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister[b][c] will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’[d] is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. 26 Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.

Adultery

27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’[e] 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

Divorce

31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’[f] 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Oaths

33 “Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.’ 34 But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; 35 or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. 36 And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. 37 All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.[g]

Eye for Eye

38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’[h] 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. 41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

Love for Enemies

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[i] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.swer

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Strong but Weak

I’m in the Radisson Blu in Minneapolis tonight. I felt like I had favor over me leaving Austin when the parking woman stepped away from her regular job to kindly help me. I again felt like I had favor over me when I was given the entire row of 10 to relax and commute to LAX. I could say the same about the messages I received throughout the day from D that kept me occupied and smiling as we anticipate seeing eachother in another 24 hours from now.

My daughter showed my listed house today and the man sounded somewhat promising about deciding to make an offer after he thinks through it. The crew was nice and I courageously rebutled the young manager who sent a text message demanding I respond to issues on the job that I shouldn’t be dealing with. The night ended with me sharing my sad video with the assist who looked at me with deer in the head lights eyes and said, “You are a strong woman.” My mom texted me “I love you” for no reason. I sifted through pics of Drako and shared them with gladness. My son texted asking about having a crown put on his teeth and the world keeps spinning and I can’t deny that there seems to be a divine push telling me that I still have a reason to be here but why can’t I see it clearly?

I want love. I want the broken things to be healed. I want hope renewed and faith restored. I want to know God’s not mad at me and still has a beautiful plan for my life. I don’t know how to get there because I don’t have the power to do anything about anything and I only know that because I see how weak I’ve been when no one’s looking and how desperate my cries are and how terrifying it is to wonder if the God of the universe is still on my side and working things out for my good.

Is this just the way life is? A jumble of experiences that I’ve tried to piece together like there’s a reason for things when I have no evidence to believe that this path is leading anywhere other than where it’s been circulating for years upon years. I hear Kyle the therapist ask me, “What if this is it? What if it never gets better? What if this is as good as it gets – can you live with that?” And I know the answer is “no”.

I’m tired of the struggle. I’m tired of lying to myself that I’m doing ok. I’m tired of trying to turn breadcrumbs into a 4-course meal and I’m tired of pretending I have some sort of 6th sense knowing that beauty is coming in the midst of whatever this can all be defined by.

I’m tired of eating to feel human and hurrying to feel purposed and thriving to feel justified. I’m tired of thinking. I’m tired of wondering. I’m tired of hoping. But hope is the only thing I feel I have left to cling to on most days.

It’s 2:11. Her birthday. I’d have given up long ago if it weren’t for the sparkle in her eye. She has hope. She still has a dream. She wants to fall in love and make music and make babies and somehow turn this world into a better place.

God tonight I ask you to bless that light in her. I ask you to heal her, help her, uplift her, protect her and establish her.

Forgive me for not being a better mother to her in all the areas I have failed. Be what I try to be for her; a guide, a provider, a loving parent and a dream-maker.

In Jesus’ name…. Amen

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Receiving Hope

Today I pray to see hope. I’ve created it on my own for most of my life. I let stuff go because I could see the thing that was coming in replacement. Well, I moved away from where I thought hope had led me. From Cali to Austin I’m back with my daughter and waiting on God to show me something beautiful in the act of obedience to the direction he gave.

When I drive out of my apartments I see a large lit up sign that says “M Robinson Jewelers”. Last night I watched City of Angels and saw the woman studying her own initials as a connection formed in my inner voice. To know something and not know why or what it means is a troubling puzzle that can’t be solved alone. I need God to piece it together for me.

In all the things I could create here on earth and all of the beautiful creations others have made I have lost my luster for material objects of all sorts. I asked myself “What is it I’d want to create with all I’ve learned?” The answer then found me in the small voice again as I made a cup of coffee. “Creating hope.”

My favorite way to create is in taking what I have and what I find (usually the stuff others throw in the trash) and making something beautiful of those things. I once overused the phrase, “He creates beauty from ashes,” in a book I authored retelling the true story of a man who was snatched away from death by divine power. I believe it. So I should be excited as I sit in the silence of unknowing with ashes of all of my hopes and dreams scattered about. I should be calling up to the Heavens with gladness as I announce, “God your canvas is ready down here!”

Today I leave for 6 consecutive days of flying and then I come back to a daughter how hopefully has found her new job in Austin. I also might see D on this trip – God willing. Oh it feels freeing to say that. I feel a weight lifted from my shoulders when I proclaim a thing and then sit it on a table that I know I’m not able to set. God willing.

Maybe the thing I’ve been seeking has been staring me in the face waiting for me to pick it up and start painting. Maybe my purpose and finding what sets my heart on fire is already here and I’m just meant to start typing. One word at a time as the stories flow to me and through me on this journey of life on earth – so prescious and fleeting.

Memories. Experiences. Love. Those are the only things that remain when we leave. I hope for mine to be sweet and to carry a scent that will linger on long after I’ve gone back home.

Well I have to get into the shower now. Let this journey begin.

God, give me beauty to write from ashes and a documentary of what I love the most. Hope.

June 9, 2026

Post script: I didn’t have to search far to find an image for this entry. Two days ago I ran for 45 minutes on the stairstepper and found “Hope in the trash” at the community gym restroom on my way out. I’m confident this was a sign for me.

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God’s Story

Well, I found it. I felt compelled to write today about what God is doing (the author) and I pulled up 2 old websites where I once kept private blogs and even video messages as a journal of things. Neither of them worked and I felt frustrated in knowing it would likely take me all night to figure out what has broken in websites that hadn’t been updated in months. Ironically, I landed on this one here by hearing the name of it alone in my thoughts – the immortal pen.

It seems self serving to share stories about my own life. I ask God constantly to rewrite my story and give me a happily ever after that I can’t testify to. I tell God that I promise to share what he does with my life and inspire others who are like me; those who have walked in shoes that don’t seem to fit. Well, I guess they may fit but they’r rather uncomfortable to say the least.

But it isn’t about me, is it? I mean, when I think about what I’ve truly learned throughout my life so far it’s that I often get it wrong. I’ve tried everything imaginable spiritual and I’ve been at this longer than most. I didn’t come to seek God in my mid-life crisis or through a friend. I was born into this path it seems as a little girl who spent most of her time in solitude staring at the stars and wanting to connect with something bigger than me up there.

I’ve known God as the one gives me a second chance at life. A tussle with suicide taught me that I don’t even have the power to take myself out; so much for free will. And I’ve known God as the miracle worker and healer. Months spent in the hospital with a loved one who was given 5% chance of survival taught me that God can defy human logic, science and the so-called experts we hold on pedestals here on this planet.

It would seem that I’d be at a place by now where I trust more than anyone – my faith has been tested and God has never let me down. But in truth, Ive been in a wilderness for too many years to pretend I’m not unsure at times that God still loves me and is still writing my story with each detail purposed.

I still believe God can do anything. I guess the question I often ask is why hasn’t he? What is all of this leading to?

Last month I was in a whirlwind of anxiety. My daughter asked me to move to Austin with her and we both had our reserves about the idea. Living together was a nightmare in the past after she’d entered adulthood. What would be different now? Yet what choice did either of us have? I was on notice with the room I’d been renting in the Valley of Socal and she was on notice with her apartment as both of us felt out of place and miserable in our current circumstances. My happily ever after love story with the LA radio guy had went nowhere and she hated her job and felt out of place in southern Florida. Both of us were lonely and struggling to get by day to day with money and financial worries.

I remember driving into to work one morning in silence with tears rolling down my face. I yelled at God, “Please guide me! I need you to give me signs and confirmation of what you want me to do. Be loud God. Don’t let me miss what you’re telling me today.”

As I arrived at the parking lot a notification came up on my phone displaying a memory from 2018 of the state capital in Austin. I laughed at it telling myself that AI must have heard my prayers and served a photo of Austin. Then once on the plane a man approached me and asked for help. “Can you help me? I’m special forces and I think they gave me the wrong seat,” he explained, flashing a paper strip that illustrated 37b. I pulled out my sky phone and asked for his name. “Emmanual…. Emmanuel Austin,” he stated. I about passed out.

Emmanuel I learned from the Bible means “God with us” and Austin as his last name was the second sign I’d received in less than hour passed after my desperate tear-filled prayer. Later on the trip I received a text message from a flight attendant asking me to switch a trip with him. After I agreed, he sent me a friend request on our app and I read his name out loud. “Austyn Austin…. now way!” I texted him back, “Your name is Austyn Austin?” He replied, “It sure is.”

Ok God… I hear you loud and clear, I thought. I put in a transfer that night and then waited days for the 25th to arrive when the company would process the transfers. To my surprise, they denied me the request. Why would God tell me to move to Austin and then not give me a job transfer? I had already committed to moving into an apartment with my daughter. I decided to not waiver. I’d trust God no matter what and go to Austin even if it meant that I may have to forfeit my job. And so I did.

Driving from LA to Texas my daughter and I had received good news that we were approved for an apartment called Avalon. I’d prayed about it. My prayer was, “God I want your will to be done. If this is for us make the approval easy if it’s not cause them to deny us.” But hours later we received another approval from an apartment we’d inquired about a week before. This one was conditional. They wanted $700 extra in deposit and another $2000 at move in. My mom called and we all talked it out on speaker phone as I felt my anxiety rising again. My mother and daughter both raved about how beautiful the other place was. But for me, I’d leaned on God for a solution. To make matters worse none of us had even seen the Avalon because they didn’t have any units available to show us until the weekend before our move-in date.

It’s not easy to trust God when you can’t see. We want to test the waters, take a tour and then choose our path. But for me, I knew there was something lacking in my own decisions and human senses. It’s something I’d learned like a bat beating over the head in the many years that had recently passed. I wanted what God wanted. I didn’t want to pick a path that looked great but would lead to problems.

My daughter and I ended up in a huge argument and I almost turned around and went back to California. Sitting in the parking lot of a gas station in Albequerque New Mexico I raged with anger and tears filled my face as I thought to myself, “I was a fool to think we could get along. I can’t move in with her I should take her to the closest airport and go back to Cali.” At that moment a huge gust of wind grabbed my driver side door and threw it into the door rail with my foot caught inside of it. I yelped out loud as my daughter’s tears stopped and she responded, “Oh my God! Are you ok?” I wasn’t. Within moment my ankle swelled up the size of a golf ball and I could hardly walk. But the drama did interrupt the arguing and confusion. Within the hour she signed the lease at Avalon and we didn’t speak another hateful word to eachother the rest of the trip. It was settled. My crippled self was moving in with my dautghter. She didn’t get away unscathed either. Once we arrived in Texas her eye was swollen and red. And still today, nearly 3 weeks later she’s nursing an infected oil gland back to health.

I don’t think God wants us to hurt and walk around with swollen ankles and swollen eyes. But I do think he wants us to listen to his guidance and to not fight and ugly to one another.

Today she needs a job and I do too. We have a beautiful new townhome and we’ve been blessed to be given the funds to pay our first rent and even pay to furnish it with daily trips to the Goodwill and frequenting Facebook marketplace. We’re both here in Austin without any idea what our purpose or career path should be. We’re just here on faith that God has a reason he brought us here.

I was gifted a co-listing in real estate with my old broker who moved to San Antonio and I’ve made vidoes, fliers and my daughter and I even wrote a song about it. But we’ve not had a single showing in 3 weeks. Meanwhile, I was given a temporary transfer next month to Austin and was told I’d have to return to LA in August. Why would God not have them give me a permanent transfer? After all I signed a year lease.

My son hasn’t come to visit, although we set a room up for him. He’s been texting me pictures of him at the basketball court and he’s busy door-dashing to try to make some money. At the end of the month he said he’s coming back because the pro basketball player I met on a plane that drove my daughter to Florida is coming to visit us. I don’t want to say to much on this but God knows my hope and that’s definitely a little glimmer of Heaven that I look forward to seeing arrive.

In other news my mom just facetime’d me to let me say Happy Birthday to Drako. She’s been very kind to me and I’m grateful. And I need to make a video tonight for Majestic. My contract ends this month and I’m hoping they will renew with me at least to give me enough to pay my bills and not struggle. And finally, Joe says his house will be ready to list in 2 weeks. So many things keep me looking up and I’m not sure what will happen but I hope something very good is here for us all in Austin.

God knows what I need. Maybe I don’t have all that I want today but I’m doing my best to walk in faith and direct my thoughts to hopeful tomorrows. In the meantime, I feel led to start writing again. Not thoughts and emotions but truth. He’s writing my story and I am living inside of something that has been very difficult but each day I desire to surrender more into his plan and believe that what he has in store is greater than anything I could try to manifest on my own.

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Preparation People

This is the first time I’ve been clear on the idea that God has been preparing me for something by the people that have come into my life. It’s not the permanent people but those who come in little seasons and then leave. In most of these relationships I have felt very triggered and bothered by something about the other person. Tonight, after a woman who wrote a book about her mother’s bad mothering, I see the puzzle pieces coming together in clarity.

It’s as if there is something I am to do and before I can be shown that thing I must be shown everything I am not to do. Imagine if you had an angel that came to you and walked you through every potential future outcome that stands before you. Only in seeing these endings can you gain you make a choice to not go that path. Well, this is what I seem to be doing for the last many years.

My roomate met a guy from Chicago and she fell so fast into infatuation she was bothered that her first grandchild’s early arrival was ruining her fun Christmas party plans with her new romance. She went to see the baby and be with her daughter. But the fact that she didn’t want to bothered me tremendously. I wondered what manner of mother wouldn’t want to be there for her daughter to support her and to welcome the first baby into that generation. I wondered why she would be so head over heels in love with a man she’d barely even known. And then I realized that she was acting exactly as I had behaved when I met Dave. I didn’t leave my kids for nearly 2 years and I didn’t push them out of my life but I didn’t want to be playing the mother role anymore. I was in the beauty and mystical moments of new romantic love.

I don’t think I was wrong for the way I felt but I do feel disappointed that the feeling wasn’t mutual. I dropped everything (not that I had a choice) to pursue a committed new relationship with him. He dropped nothing and only saw me when it was convenient for him and his work schedule.

I don’t want to be the mother who drops everything for a man. I want a man to love me and what’s important to me – a man who would fly to be with me in such an event and want to meet my kids and integrate into my family. Maybe my roomate has that. I did not.

I feel like I owe my kids an explanation and there is really none to give. Just that I’m human and I fell in love and it felt wonderful for me to feel that feeling again after so long. Dave made me feel like I was 17 again. It was something I thought could never happen and I was so thrilled that God had given me such a beautiful experience. It truly was beautiful at first. Today it could be still beautiful but its like a flower that began to bud and then was never watered. It’s been trying to grow and trying to stay alive but in the stunting of its nourishment and expansion it is tired.

Today in meeting the author, I saw what my life would look like if I allowed my relationship with my mother to fade away into bitterness. Her mother has passed on and she clearly has a million unanswered questions. Her book is a memoir of her pain from the moment she was born to this day where she still carries it and walks in a cloud of victimhood that I doubt she is even aware of. I do not want to be that. I pray that God will help me to not be that – to forgive, heal and possibly even have beauty in reconnection with my mother in a way that we can talk and understand eachother before she leaves this earth.

I see that Dave reminds me of the me I was before my ex had a stroke. He’s so focused on his career he doesn’t pay attention to me. I don’t want to be that way either. I hope the people God gives me to love know each day that they matter to me. I hope I cherish the moments with them and even on my busiest days I find time to reach out and enjoy the sound of their voices. I don’t want to ever take love for granted and I want to remember always that each person is God’s child – a spark of God’s light and that each person is a gift from God who is in my life to love me and be loved by me.

I also see that Dave brings up memories of when my mom moved away to marry a new man and I had felt left behind as part of her family. Maybe all of this is coming up so I can see each person and forgive what I have held onto. Namely I see my mother in all of this. Tamra reminds me of her in every way possible and they are almost the same age. She triggers me nonstop and I see her actions and behaviors as very selfish. She seems to only care about getting her dreams – her desire to be a script writer and her Cinderella love story with a type of obsession that runs over the feelings and plans of anyone and everyone that stands in the way of her fairytale picture perfect life. And I guess God wants me to look at her and see that she’s his child and to see my mother as his child too – very imperfect people who act on what they have in front of them and don’t likely mean to hurt others or realize they are doing it.

Like my mother she’s a fault finder – seeking everything she can find that’s not perfectly in place and looking to blame someone for the imperfection. I would imagine this is a reflection of how she feels about herself on the inside. People who seek perfection in others are projecting the imperfections they don’t accept in themselves.

I’m not sure how to love these people – other than to pray for them.

As for Dave the avoidant – he does remind me a lot of Josh in how he seems to get close and push me away again over and over. Josh did this because he didn’t think he was good enough for me and because he found acceptance in crowds. Maybe the variety gives them a cushion in knowing that one person doesn’t have the power to crush them. By keeping many woman on the line, many social environments and focusing on their own desires these people are able to avoid heartbreak.

I can’t change any of them. By writing about them, complaining about them, trying to talk to them or by loving them with all the love I can possibly pour out over them I see no change. So then the question is what does God want me to see in this?

When you try everything and nothing works. All you can do is accept it and pray.

It’s hard for me to visualize where I go from here. I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life trying to heal everything broken in others so I can just love them and all it’s done is cause them to push me away. Maybe that’s the big word in all of it from every angle…. Acceptance.

I wish God would send me a love in a human like I had in Drako. I never had to force him to love. He chose me and he followed me everywhere I went and to this day he still lights up when I walk into a room. He doesn’t need to say a word, he just loves me so much the love radiates from him to my heart.

Love hurts so bad. Life is so imperfect and people are so imperfect and somewhere in it all I just wish I could feel love.

I know I can work at it I’ve done it before but I can’t work at anything if the other doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to. He’s told me a hundred times he doesn’t want to. There’s nothing I can do with that. I can’t force him or beg him or convince him to change his mind. I’ve done my very very best to love him and make right all of his complaints about me and excuses about me. He’s had 7 years to decide. SEVEN.

I keep thinking I need to move away to break myself away from him and not feel tempted anymore to call him or text or respond to his stuff. He doesn’t even know how bad I hurt – how much I cry over this and how frustrated I’ve been for so long now. And I’m so silly I wonder if that’s fair to walk away when he’s unaware of what he’s done.

I’m so scared I’ll never love like this again. That’s the fear. It’s eating me up because I am so shocked I could love a man that much and then to just let that go seems crazy. But what choice do I have? How can I keep crying myself to sleep each night and call this God’s glorious life he gifted me with? I’m going to write him a letter now…

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Shadow of Victimhood

My roomate has a house guest over the last several days. The woman has written a book called “Mis-mothered” and wants to turn it into a screenplay. As I make coffee and overhear their conversations my heart is so heavy. The woman’s book is about her mother who passed away years ago. She retells in a memoir the horrific memories she had from her childhood which will put her mother (in Heaven) in a very bad light.

She told me that writing the story brought her healing because she faced the trauma that she had endured as a child. However, I wonder what she thinks the outcome of such a book will be. It’s root spirits that inspire such a work are victimhood, blame and expectation. These are the 3 spirits that I was taught about after Covid hit in 2020. I was visited by an angel named Fury who spoke to me about these diseases of the heart that would come upon the people.

I relate to her. I too had a difficult childhood and still today don’t have the reconciliation with my mother I hoped to one day receive. She’s never said she was sorry or even told me the truth of the many questions I have about my conception and beyond. But in the pain I find purpose. If we don’t see what causes hurt to the heart of others we don’t know how to go about life differently to guard the hearts of children from our own tendencies and human nature.

As a mother I have all of the temptations and good reason to hate my ex-husband and my mother too if I want to do what the world teaches in society today; fall into the shadow of victimhood and tell the stories that cast blame on the souls of others. But this is my walk and I believe it was predestined for me to be here in the very situations that were handed to me. They may not be fair and they may not feel good but I have two kids who are interested in their roots. Anything dark I cast upon the names of their ancestors will no doubt impact the way they view themselves, the way they view love and the way they view the world.

When my mother told me horrible stories about my biological father it didn’t make me hate the man I never knew, it made me hate myself for the beast that I thought I must be as a descendant of such evil. I questioned my DNA and the personality, traits and footsteps before me set there to follow. Yet decades later when I met his children I was given a new set of stories. They spoke of the man as a saint and a beacon of love in their lives. This was so healing for me and I recognize today how much better off I’d have been throughout my journey to have only had these stories to hold onto.

What good did it do anyone to share stories of evil acts, trauma and wrong doing? I’m not suggesting we lie about our experiences or feel unsafe to speak the truth. I’m simply questioning the spirit by which we do these things and asking myself what the outcome is to it all. When people share stories of saints and good acts, we see humans aspire to be like them and walk in faith that they can be loving, kind and inspirational beacons of light on this planet. And when we share stories of darkness, we inspire humans to consider that they might be capable of such paths.

When God made the earth and mankind he said it was “all good.” Then when Adam and Eve ate of a tree of knowledge that gifted them the ability to see good and evil, death, sickness and all things in between entered this planet (according to the story of the Bible). Perhaps there’s something for us to see here today. We all have stories of good and evil. If we seek inside of our memories we will find them and we get to be the judge of what stories we wish to tell the world. Whatever we choose to give our energy and our voice to will indeed multiply and gain power.

This is all a reminder to me today that I wish to tell stories of the good. I wish to use my voice to speak gratitude, hope and see the light in others no matter how hard it may be to find. I wish to see my path as a journey full of lessons that gift me the choice to walk in light or walk in darkness; to love others or hate them, to blame them or forgive them (keeping no record of wrong), and to aspire to build places that heal rather than places that keep us stuck in the sickness of reliving everything that’s called bad.

My roomate has told me that I should write a book about all of the bad things loved ones did to me. Today I’m grateful for the looking glass I’m given to see that I absolutely do not wish to do that. My children are my purpose and I wish for them to believe they are children of God; wonderfully and perfectly made with a light that loves love and as a dog is trained to stay away from poisonous plants I look at the temptation of the other and say to myself, “Leave it.” I don’t want to touch anything that spreads victimhood, blame or expectation.

My mother gave me a home, clothes, a bed to sleep in and somehow she protected me enough to be alive still today. She cares for my dog and she loves animals. She took care of her dad and she cares for her husband who is sick today. It’s not up to me to decide how God stirs her heart for others and what her calling is that motivates her to love some and leave another. That is between her and God. Likewise, God leads me to love what I love and to have little stirred compassion for other things. In free will we learn to stay in our own lanes, care for the people who are given to us today and to seek the doorway upward to higher love in all of our thoughts, desires and well-doing.

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The Wrong Right Thing

All I truly want is to be at peace with myself and the demonstration that I make that will one day leave a lasting impression on my children. That’s not easy thing to figure out in my shoes. The world says that when someone does something horrible to try to hurt you that you should hate that person and want nothing to do with them. But what if the person is someone who you loved with your whole heart? What if the person is someone so important that you laid your life down to try to save them? What if the person is left behind and suffering to find the means to eat and pay their bills today? Should I feel glory in this and call it justice? Should I say, “that’s what they get for all of the wrong they did to hurt me,” and should I carry on with my perfect life as if they never existed at all?

I’ve been listening to gospel messages and considering the character of Christ since 2016 when this all began. I spoke scriptures in a hospital room as if these words were a life line. I claimed these promises of a love that never fails us, never leaves us and is always ready to heal us and bless us when we are down. I then learned the true essence of the cross when I found the teachings of a man named Matt Chandler who had been healed of an incurable brain disease. His humility and grit in the meaning of what Jesus stands for shifted my perspective in all I’ve ever called “God”. To understand that a love so powerful exists – that this love would die for us not just on our good days but on our worst days and all the way through eternity without ever keeping record of a single wrong we’ve ever committed. It’s profound. It’s limitless. It’s everlasting. And I want that love but can I truly hold it within me? I think the answer is to this question is what has been haunting me all this time. I’m denying the truth of my own heart.

Throughout my life I’ve learned through experience how it feels to love a mother who hates my father. She would speak with her mouth, “I hope he’s burning in hell.” And then my stepdad who followed him into Heaven would later catch her wrath also as stories are told of all the bad things he did to her. I don’t doubt that he hurt her. I don’t doubt that he cheated on her and abused her in ways that made her feel scared. My husband did all these things to me too. But he’s the father of my children and to hate him is to hate a piece of them too. And to watch them hurting still today as they wish someone would help their dad get up and live a prosperous life is to deny that I wouldn’t do anything to make them feel ok – even if it means loving him the way they love him. Love should never be separated even when we’re persecuted, cursed and casted away by love. The bad times can’t erase the truth of the seeds that live inside of our hearts.

To love him the way God loves us all is to forget everything he did wrong to me and love him still.

i started working on a video script tonight for a movie trailer that I want to submit to Angel Studios. If i could get his story picked up and voted into a film, we might have enough money to help him buy a house so he doesn’t have to use all of his disability on rent. We also might have enough money to buy a house for us too so the kids can lay down in a bed at night knowing they always have a place to go.

More than the material things or the savior complex that I seem to have embedded in me sometimes at my own fault, I want to demonstrate to my children the power of a love that never stops forgiving and always wants to bless us even when we don’t deserve it. They know their father deserves nothing from me other than maybe a kick in the face but how powerful would it be if I could keep walking the path of God’s story that he gifted us in the ICU Room and not give up on sharing the story of the miracles we received with this world? And how powerful would it be if I could lay down my own pride and my own pain to at least give my best effort to honoring their father the only way I know how. He is after all quite a fighter and certainly a believer in God’s saving grace and second chances.

The world won’t understand it. They’ll call me a naive fool who was victim to a narcissistic man. But i’m not of this world. Where i come from love is all there is. And love is all we are.

It’s a long shot I know but it would certainly glorify God if someone would produce this film. And I imagine God would have a part 2 that would follow – highlighting the power of his love even when it seems foolish to love. I researched the meaning of forgiveness once. It’s not to pardon someone; not in the way Jesus said it anyway. He said “Father forgive them they know not what they do” and his words if properly translated would actually sound something like this. “Father give them your kingdom. Hold nothing back and give them your very best blessings that you have to offer.”

So tonight I pray that. I want God to help me make this video in a way that honors Him, protects the dignity of Josh and highlights his righteousness by FAITH alone and presents this story in a way that people will be dying to see it. They’ll vote it in at the top spot and it will make so much money we won’t have room enough to receive the blessings from God.

Then we can open the ranch with the animals and maybe Josh can even run it. I’m fighting tears as i write this. Yes, this is a story i’d love to see happen.

Thank you God… Thank you God’s angels for walking with me and thank you Jesus for the love you keep bleeding over us still today.

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Visions of High Places

Last night I watched videos by Steve Harvey and he spoke of visions from the Lord, suggesting to his audience to read Hebakkuk 2. As I woke this morning, I ordered a devotional he recommended called “Jesus Calling” and then went to this scripture he spoke of.

The first thing I noticed as peculiar was the cover of the devotional Harvey spoke of. I’ve held this book in my hand before. While in Miami last year it was gifted to me. I don’t even remember who gave it to me or how I ended up with that devotional book from Sarah Young. But I remember I gave it away when I left in a box to a woman in my apartments that rescued dogs. Why did I only read it a few times and assume it was meant to be passed along without my use? Was it my pride that said I had already done my days of Bible reading and devotionals and needed to not pick up this daily practice again? Or was it my humility that said I am not deserving of the gifts inside of it and should pass all good things God gives me onto another?

I’ve done that for as long as I could remember. Whatever God blesses me with, I have felt unworthy to receive and so I handed it to another. Even the gifts he’s given me I’ve always used to showcase another, uplift another or make another successful and prosperous. But is the calling of Jesus? Should a woman make herself invisible and withhold nothing that Heaven sends as the businesses, friends and people who pass through her gifted time on this earth are all given a piece of God’s portion that she beholds? Today I feel silly in these ideas as I realize God had gifted me that devotional book for a reason that was to speak to my heart, direct my steps and lead me in my calling that Jesus has for me. God wants to bless me and is asking me to receive all of His Good Gifts in store for me – to stop passing the baton he didn’t instruct me to give away. And this was demonstrated to me last week when I met a man from Huntington who is struggling financially to even pay his bills, looks at his mother who is in need of many things and doesn’t give to her but he gifts to every stranger on his trips at work things they don’t deserve. He gave to me money for dinner, a hat from the Gospel Museum of Music and extra gas money when I drove them to his aunt’s house upon our arrival back to LA. I wondered why he was so giving and asked him this question. He said that he was very blessed to be in a family who had a lot of money. But during my stay with him I learned this was not true. I wondered why he pretended to have and why he Glorified God in sharing a wealth that was invisible. God loves a giving heart but he never asks us to provide for others what we don’t truly hold in our hands. Perhaps this is a lesson I must learn today; to believe God wants to bless me and to know that what God gives to me has my name on it and should be received by my hands and my heart with gratitude and treasured rather than passed along.

After I ordered the book, I opened the Bible to Hebakkuk. Rather than start in passage 2, I read the entire bookfrom start to end. Hebakkuk sees the trouble and the injustices as he cries out to the Lord. The man carries the fear of what he perceives to be coming but also carries the understanding from God that the trouble coming upon the earth is purposed. God is moving to set things right and the ultimate goal of God’s hand upon the lands was to turn the tables. God’s justice is never to allow a city that causes harm, violence and vanity for the sake of oppressing his children to reign on. God hears the cries of his little ones and he answers in strength that causes even the mountains to quake and all the living to bow and recognize HIS power; much greater than the leaders, the decision makers and the kings of this earth over various societies and industries.

God will put us in places as the oppressed, the hungry, the lonely; he will make us to be the voices that cry out for help in our season of the wilderness so that we see the evil and the injustice. We have to feel it, get burned by it and sew in tears from that place because the anger that stirs within us is creating a desire to join our hearts to God in the opposition of that mindset so that when he humbles the proud and exalts the lowly into high places, those ones will use the gifts from God to glorify his name and his will.

Since I’ve been in LA I have spoken to many about the book that I wrote of true experiences from a hospital room where God showed his power is greater than science and medical systems. God performed a miracle in that ICU room and I wanted the story to be given to everyone. I wanted all people to know the power of prayer and the truth that what people can’t do God can do. I wanted people who were sick, harmed in accidents or family members that slept in hospital chairs for months upon months to know there is hope. What the doctors predict isn’t what God says and only Jesus is the author of life and death. God has the final say to whether we live, die or heal beyond what human tongues say is possible. I wanted that story to bless many.

I have told my story to people here and each time I got my hopes up as these people would set meetings, make promises to help me complete a screen play script or make offers to me that if I would help them with their projects they’d in return help me pitch my book to film. Today as I write this my roomate has a house guest; a woman who recently wrote a memoir of her mother’s ill treatment of her as a child. My roomate invited her here because she’s turning her book into a film script for her. And I thought to myself as if to ask God, “Why won’t she help me? She promised she would and I’ve been here seven months living under her roof. She never even finished reading my book. I’ve created several pitch decks for her and video sizzles to help her with her projects and she never did what she promised to do in helping me with my book. Why is she helping others instead?”

I’ve been in this situation before – opposed in my dreams of what I believe God will do. I remember in the hospital rooms pleading with doctors to come into alignment with hope and offer me solutions to save my ex-husband’s life and I was met with words like, “There is nothing more we can do. The damage is already done.” This go-round the words I’ve been told by so-called experts in the movie industry sound like, “You need to take the Jesus out of the book. Producers are looking for faith-based stories without the divine intervention. You should instead write a part 2 that talks about all of the horrible things your husband and family did to you.” It seems people in this industry are programmed to want the bad news, the drama that sells and the fault finding plots that glorify the evil works of humans rather than the powerful works of God.

I could very easily confound to this template and write more drama than their eyes have ever seen. I could talk about being born into the world without a dad, the stories of injustices that led me on a lifelong journey to uncover lies, the money scandals, the oppression, the abuse and the hurt that others have inflicted upon me and to even begin to elaborate would peak the interest of many. I know my story has enough tragedy to fill an entire season of coffee cup round tables where women spew the word “narcissist” and pass around tissues with fake empathy upon their lips. Drama sells and I have lots of it to give if I wanted to be another voice of despair and victimhood. But is that what God wants? I think not.

The final words of Habakkuk speak of the result and the promise of God. He sees the terrible visions, he prays, he waits for the Lord to answer and then he proclaims the outcomes as he writes, “I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength and he wlll make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places to the chief singer on my stringed instruments.”

God’s desire is not for us to swim around in victimhood and use our mouths to speak of all that others did wrong to us. He doesn’t want us to lift up our voices to share with others the drama that gives a stage to evil acts, he wants us to speak of the victory that HIS STRENGTH over all circumstances has written upon our stories. The good news is the outcome as Hebakkuk declares he now walks upon high places. He was rescued from the pit. He was redeemed from the struggles and the oppression and all of the horrifying movements of God that made the earth tremble were the very provisions that moved all the puzzle pieces into place to flip the script and uplift Hebakkuk.

I’ve had many visions. Years ago I had a vision of Malibu on fire as I drove through the Santa Monica mountains. That vision came to pass in January of 2025. I’ve had a vision of myself in a pool of water as a film crew surrounded me and a man. I’ve had visions of my son with a wife and child gathered with me and my person (a new love interest I presume) as we cooked food on the grille in a beautiful backyard setting in laughter and joy. I have no idea how I would ever get to these places. Today I rent a room from this script writer who won’t give me the time of day, I work a job I don’t belong to for an airline where I am met with horrible work schedules, little pay and angry customers and I can barely afford to pay for the car I drive. Although I’m grateful because not long ago I didn’t have a home to stay in (literally I was living in cheap hotel rooms), I didn’t know what to do to earn money to eat with and I went nearly a year without a car to drive – walking to dentist appointments and the grocery store. I’m not where I belong but God has uplifted me from the lowest places I’ve been. I’m grateful I can take a shower and go for walks. There were days as a caregiver I couldn’t find time to myself to do anything for myself. I’m grateful I’m not in a hospital room clinging to hope as I’m surrounded by voices of doubt and machines that alert staff of death incoming. I’m grateful God answered my prayers to let my children’s father live, to gift miracles in our sight through those times and I’m grateful that my son has made it through horrific nights when he spoke to me that he wished to take his own life. I’m grateful my daughter is no longer turning to weed and alcohol to numb her pain. I’m grateful that the both of them are speaking of the potential to move here and live with me in the next season of our life. I’m grateful my mother is taking good care of my dog Drako today and I’m grateful that I’m alive, breathing and typing into a laptop computer that only sometimes powers up – but today it’s working for me. Today, I’m documenting these words to honor the God who writes and finishes my story and perfects my faith and today my God is not done with me yet.

If God gave me these visions then He’s made a way to get me there. He has a path for me that will result in me living in a high place with love, family, prosperity and purpose in my life. He plans to give me a platform of some sort where people who carry cameras come to capture me on film. He plans to give me love and a new relationship that brings me joy, support and companionship I desire. He plans to bless my kids with love, children and a future that looks nothing like the past when all of us were struggling just to see the light in dark days.

Last week I asked a Hollywood producer to pay me the hourly rate of $55 that she had promised to me when she approached me in December to offer me a side job working on a docuseries that highlights her life and her path. She was to be the star of this show and she spoke to me about her dream for this project to lead to a talk show where she would be like the next Oprah. She shared with me her plans to write the book of her story – abused by her ex-husband and exiled by her adult kids. She also shared with me her desire to have a ranch one day for her kids to go to. At the core of all she spoke, she said she wanted JUSTICE to be served for all the wrong doing that had been done to her.

When I turned in my hours to her on an invoice I shorted myself. Even though she’s a millionaire I heard a voice of doubt speaking to me, “You aren’t worthy to receive payment for all of the labor you did for this woman.” So, I turned in only 37 hours for a full month of daily work. She responded the next day with a text message and said she refused to pay me because I never made for her a business plan. This was confusing and shocking to me. I never was asked to create for her a business plan. She had hired me to come up with show ideas, create graphics, work on a website and make video sizzles. I’m not a business plan person. But in effort to rectify her request I spent that entire evening putting together a business plan to the best of my ability. I sent it over and attached the hours again.

The next day she responded and said, “I needed this a long time ago. I will only pay you $1,000. I don’t like being caught off guard and I have too much going on in my life right now.” She decided that I was responsible for her lack of planning and direction in the project she approached me to work on for her. She decided that I was somehow responsible for her personal life struggles. She decided that I was the reason that she felt startled in being asked to uphold her agreement she made with me. She decided I should suffer injustice of not being paid what she owed to me and she decided that my worth wasn’t even equivalent to minimum wage in this country. Perhaps she showed me the works of victimhood as a lesson I needed to see. When we want to seek justice on our own rather than trusting God to make things right, we wage war against even the ones who help us and we become the villain who steals from another. My time was arranged for a payment and to withhold payment is theft. To make matters worse, she knows I’m struggling to pay my basic necessities. She knows I have been sending money to Texas for my child to have food to eat. She knows that I needed that extra money I was working for very badly. And the voice within says, “God, if you ever place me in position where I have the means to produce a show and hire workers to do the filming and planning, I will pay them every dollar they are owed and bless them with bonuses even. I will be grateful for the ones you send to me and I’ll treat them fairly. God I will never deny a worker her wages if you put me in this position.”

So this morning, I moved the work I did that she didn’t pay for to a new domain called “The Immortal Pen.” Her show that I was working on will be God’s show in this place. God removed the Hollywood producer from my life who didn’t pay me for my labor and decided that HE would be the producer of this show and God is the Father of Lights who gives good gifts to His children and Jesus is the author and finisher of this story.

I don’t know what will happen next. I don’t know the path that God has for me or what he might do with these writings but I pray that the windows of Heaven will open and rain grace over my every step from this moment forward. I pray that God will give me eyes to see his blessings and the miracles of every moment. I pray that these doors slammed in my face will be counted as divine detours that were all part of the journey and that everyone who didn’t treat me fairly, everyone who said “no” to my desire to tell God’s story and everyone who counted me as small and meaningless will one day receive gifts from me with little notes that say, “Look what God did – the true script writer, producer and author of all things.”

I registered for an audition next month held in Marina Del Ray for a new show on Fox that’s bringing back Baywatch. I don’t have the confidence in myself to get a part in a show and I have no acting experience, agent representation or even a resume. I had to use an old camera phone picture as my headshot and I struggled to answer the question on the registration form, “Why should we consider you for this show?” I registered because a friend sent me the link. I registered because I don’t want to be crippled by fear, afraid of rejection and held in chains of human logic that tells us that we can’t do something because we have no experience or we aren’t qualified. I don’t want to be a prisoner to the voice that says I’m too old or it’s too late for me. I registered because in the vision I speak of above that I received over a year ago where I had a film crew around me, I was wearing a red swimsuit. I registered because even though I don’t believe it’s possible for me to win a part in this TV show, I believe it’s possible for God to do it.

My confidence is in God and God alone. I will walk through every open door I see and I will keep asking and keep believing he has a plan for my life beyond what I even think is possible. And i will open my heart to receive the miracles that defy logic and the blessings that I don’t deserve, but he gives simply because I ask.

Dear Heavenly Father,

You know that I write this with trembling hands today. You know that I’m seeking things I can’t yet see and I’m doing my best to align with the imagination that has led me to dream dreams of your glory on the other side of all that I have suffered through. I know I can’t figure out a way to get where my heart desires to go. I only know that I have this desire. I want to be uplifted and be a story that gives hope to others who have been where I am. I want to tell everyone with a microphone in my hand and thousands in the audience, “If God can do this for me, he will do it for you.” I want to be a voice for the fatherless, the widows, the throw-aways and the forgotten that speaks of your power and screams from the mountaintops, “God can do anything.” So Lord I pray this today and ask you to help me walk in your strength and your courage. I ask you to be my confidence and to be my belief when I don’t even know how to believe. You know the truth of my thoughts. You know the things I’ve been through. You know the doors that have been slammed in my face and you know my heart to love your little ones and to not worship the people in high places but to worship you and honor your children that cry out for help today. Lead me God. Engrave the visions of hope into my mind so that my dreams are far too big to rival the voices of doubt. Shut my ears to not even hear the ankle biters that would laugh at my aspirations. Teach me to walk on water and to keep my eyes on you as I enter the promised land you have prepared for me. Remind me that Jesus was the final sacrifice and I am not to be trampled another day or another moment by people. By his stripes I am healed, by his righteousness I am eternally saved and by his immortal pen I am blessed, favored and carried to the top of the staircase by your mighty hand.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.

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