222 From Kauai Hawaii

I just woke up at 2:22 am from a dream. I tried to remember it as I stumbled to the bathroom with a looming feeling that it was very important. In this dream I was on a mission – very busy. And and as I stood in the bathroom in a daze i recalled the prayer that I wrote before i went to bed. I wrote a letter to God and asked for help. I’ve been seeking direction on a lot of things.

I heard “bless those who curse you,” in an inner voice. Then I heard words that seemed jumbled at first but I recognized they were from something I’d heard before. I didn’t really hear anything. This was like a soundtrack playing in my memory; much like a song that is stuck in my head subconsciously. It was words from an audio clip I’d heard long ago from the Sermon on the mount. “Bless those who curse you,” I heard.

I just was moved to a place called Bee Cave. No I’m seeing the bee attitudes in my search. I’m pasting this here and will revisit after I wake up tomorrow….

The an5 Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2 and he began to teach them.

The Beatitudes

He said:

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Salt and Light

13 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.

14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

The Fulfillment of the Law

17 “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. 18 For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. 19 Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. 20 For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.

Murder

21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder,[a] and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister[b][c] will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’[d] is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. 26 Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.

Adultery

27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’[e] 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

Divorce

31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’[f] 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Oaths

33 “Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.’ 34 But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; 35 or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. 36 And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. 37 All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.[g]

Eye for Eye

38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’[h] 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. 41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

Love for Enemies

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[i] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.swer

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Strong but Weak

I’m in the Radisson Blu in Minneapolis tonight. I felt like I had favor over me leaving Austin when the parking woman stepped away from her regular job to kindly help me. I again felt like I had favor over me when I was given the entire row of 10 to relax and commute to LAX. I could say the same about the messages I received throughout the day from D that kept me occupied and smiling as we anticipate seeing eachother in another 24 hours from now.

My daughter showed my listed house today and the man sounded somewhat promising about deciding to make an offer after he thinks through it. The crew was nice and I courageously rebutled the young manager who sent a text message demanding I respond to issues on the job that I shouldn’t be dealing with. The night ended with me sharing my sad video with the assist who looked at me with deer in the head lights eyes and said, “You are a strong woman.” My mom texted me “I love you” for no reason. I sifted through pics of Drako and shared them with gladness. My son texted asking about having a crown put on his teeth and the world keeps spinning and I can’t deny that there seems to be a divine push telling me that I still have a reason to be here but why can’t I see it clearly?

I want love. I want the broken things to be healed. I want hope renewed and faith restored. I want to know God’s not mad at me and still has a beautiful plan for my life. I don’t know how to get there because I don’t have the power to do anything about anything and I only know that because I see how weak I’ve been when no one’s looking and how desperate my cries are and how terrifying it is to wonder if the God of the universe is still on my side and working things out for my good.

Is this just the way life is? A jumble of experiences that I’ve tried to piece together like there’s a reason for things when I have no evidence to believe that this path is leading anywhere other than where it’s been circulating for years upon years. I hear Kyle the therapist ask me, “What if this is it? What if it never gets better? What if this is as good as it gets – can you live with that?” And I know the answer is “no”.

I’m tired of the struggle. I’m tired of lying to myself that I’m doing ok. I’m tired of trying to turn breadcrumbs into a 4-course meal and I’m tired of pretending I have some sort of 6th sense knowing that beauty is coming in the midst of whatever this can all be defined by.

I’m tired of eating to feel human and hurrying to feel purposed and thriving to feel justified. I’m tired of thinking. I’m tired of wondering. I’m tired of hoping. But hope is the only thing I feel I have left to cling to on most days.

It’s 2:11. Her birthday. I’d have given up long ago if it weren’t for the sparkle in her eye. She has hope. She still has a dream. She wants to fall in love and make music and make babies and somehow turn this world into a better place.

God tonight I ask you to bless that light in her. I ask you to heal her, help her, uplift her, protect her and establish her.

Forgive me for not being a better mother to her in all the areas I have failed. Be what I try to be for her; a guide, a provider, a loving parent and a dream-maker.

In Jesus’ name…. Amen

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Receiving Hope

Today I pray to see hope. I’ve created it on my own for most of my life. I let stuff go because I could see the thing that was coming in replacement. Well, I moved away from where I thought hope had led me. From Cali to Austin I’m back with my daughter and waiting on God to show me something beautiful in the act of obedience to the direction he gave.

When I drive out of my apartments I see a large lit up sign that says “M Robinson Jewelers”. Last night I watched City of Angels and saw the woman studying her own initials as a connection formed in my inner voice. To know something and not know why or what it means is a troubling puzzle that can’t be solved alone. I need God to piece it together for me.

In all the things I could create here on earth and all of the beautiful creations others have made I have lost my luster for material objects of all sorts. I asked myself “What is it I’d want to create with all I’ve learned?” The answer then found me in the small voice again as I made a cup of coffee. “Creating hope.”

My favorite way to create is in taking what I have and what I find (usually the stuff others throw in the trash) and making something beautiful of those things. I once overused the phrase, “He creates beauty from ashes,” in a book I authored retelling the true story of a man who was snatched away from death by divine power. I believe it. So I should be excited as I sit in the silence of unknowing with ashes of all of my hopes and dreams scattered about. I should be calling up to the Heavens with gladness as I announce, “God your canvas is ready down here!”

Today I leave for 6 consecutive days of flying and then I come back to a daughter how hopefully has found her new job in Austin. I also might see D on this trip – God willing. Oh it feels freeing to say that. I feel a weight lifted from my shoulders when I proclaim a thing and then sit it on a table that I know I’m not able to set. God willing.

Maybe the thing I’ve been seeking has been staring me in the face waiting for me to pick it up and start painting. Maybe my purpose and finding what sets my heart on fire is already here and I’m just meant to start typing. One word at a time as the stories flow to me and through me on this journey of life on earth – so prescious and fleeting.

Memories. Experiences. Love. Those are the only things that remain when we leave. I hope for mine to be sweet and to carry a scent that will linger on long after I’ve gone back home.

Well I have to get into the shower now. Let this journey begin.

God, give me beauty to write from ashes and a documentary of what I love the most. Hope.

June 9, 2026

Post script: I didn’t have to search far to find an image for this entry. Two days ago I ran for 45 minutes on the stairstepper and found “Hope in the trash” at the community gym restroom on my way out. I’m confident this was a sign for me.

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God’s Story

Well, I found it. I felt compelled to write today about what God is doing (the author) and I pulled up 2 old websites where I once kept private blogs and even video messages as a journal of things. Neither of them worked and I felt frustrated in knowing it would likely take me all night to figure out what has broken in websites that hadn’t been updated in months. Ironically, I landed on this one here by hearing the name of it alone in my thoughts – the immortal pen.

It seems self serving to share stories about my own life. I ask God constantly to rewrite my story and give me a happily ever after that I can’t testify to. I tell God that I promise to share what he does with my life and inspire others who are like me; those who have walked in shoes that don’t seem to fit. Well, I guess they may fit but they’r rather uncomfortable to say the least.

But it isn’t about me, is it? I mean, when I think about what I’ve truly learned throughout my life so far it’s that I often get it wrong. I’ve tried everything imaginable spiritual and I’ve been at this longer than most. I didn’t come to seek God in my mid-life crisis or through a friend. I was born into this path it seems as a little girl who spent most of her time in solitude staring at the stars and wanting to connect with something bigger than me up there.

I’ve known God as the one gives me a second chance at life. A tussle with suicide taught me that I don’t even have the power to take myself out; so much for free will. And I’ve known God as the miracle worker and healer. Months spent in the hospital with a loved one who was given 5% chance of survival taught me that God can defy human logic, science and the so-called experts we hold on pedestals here on this planet.

It would seem that I’d be at a place by now where I trust more than anyone – my faith has been tested and God has never let me down. But in truth, Ive been in a wilderness for too many years to pretend I’m not unsure at times that God still loves me and is still writing my story with each detail purposed.

I still believe God can do anything. I guess the question I often ask is why hasn’t he? What is all of this leading to?

Last month I was in a whirlwind of anxiety. My daughter asked me to move to Austin with her and we both had our reserves about the idea. Living together was a nightmare in the past after she’d entered adulthood. What would be different now? Yet what choice did either of us have? I was on notice with the room I’d been renting in the Valley of Socal and she was on notice with her apartment as both of us felt out of place and miserable in our current circumstances. My happily ever after love story with the LA radio guy had went nowhere and she hated her job and felt out of place in southern Florida. Both of us were lonely and struggling to get by day to day with money and financial worries.

I remember driving into to work one morning in silence with tears rolling down my face. I yelled at God, “Please guide me! I need you to give me signs and confirmation of what you want me to do. Be loud God. Don’t let me miss what you’re telling me today.”

As I arrived at the parking lot a notification came up on my phone displaying a memory from 2018 of the state capital in Austin. I laughed at it telling myself that AI must have heard my prayers and served a photo of Austin. Then once on the plane a man approached me and asked for help. “Can you help me? I’m special forces and I think they gave me the wrong seat,” he explained, flashing a paper strip that illustrated 37b. I pulled out my sky phone and asked for his name. “Emmanual…. Emmanuel Austin,” he stated. I about passed out.

Emmanuel I learned from the Bible means “God with us” and Austin as his last name was the second sign I’d received in less than hour passed after my desperate tear-filled prayer. Later on the trip I received a text message from a flight attendant asking me to switch a trip with him. After I agreed, he sent me a friend request on our app and I read his name out loud. “Austyn Austin…. now way!” I texted him back, “Your name is Austyn Austin?” He replied, “It sure is.”

Ok God… I hear you loud and clear, I thought. I put in a transfer that night and then waited days for the 25th to arrive when the company would process the transfers. To my surprise, they denied me the request. Why would God tell me to move to Austin and then not give me a job transfer? I had already committed to moving into an apartment with my daughter. I decided to not waiver. I’d trust God no matter what and go to Austin even if it meant that I may have to forfeit my job. And so I did.

Driving from LA to Texas my daughter and I had received good news that we were approved for an apartment called Avalon. I’d prayed about it. My prayer was, “God I want your will to be done. If this is for us make the approval easy if it’s not cause them to deny us.” But hours later we received another approval from an apartment we’d inquired about a week before. This one was conditional. They wanted $700 extra in deposit and another $2000 at move in. My mom called and we all talked it out on speaker phone as I felt my anxiety rising again. My mother and daughter both raved about how beautiful the other place was. But for me, I’d leaned on God for a solution. To make matters worse none of us had even seen the Avalon because they didn’t have any units available to show us until the weekend before our move-in date.

It’s not easy to trust God when you can’t see. We want to test the waters, take a tour and then choose our path. But for me, I knew there was something lacking in my own decisions and human senses. It’s something I’d learned like a bat beating over the head in the many years that had recently passed. I wanted what God wanted. I didn’t want to pick a path that looked great but would lead to problems.

My daughter and I ended up in a huge argument and I almost turned around and went back to California. Sitting in the parking lot of a gas station in Albequerque New Mexico I raged with anger and tears filled my face as I thought to myself, “I was a fool to think we could get along. I can’t move in with her I should take her to the closest airport and go back to Cali.” At that moment a huge gust of wind grabbed my driver side door and threw it into the door rail with my foot caught inside of it. I yelped out loud as my daughter’s tears stopped and she responded, “Oh my God! Are you ok?” I wasn’t. Within moment my ankle swelled up the size of a golf ball and I could hardly walk. But the drama did interrupt the arguing and confusion. Within the hour she signed the lease at Avalon and we didn’t speak another hateful word to eachother the rest of the trip. It was settled. My crippled self was moving in with my dautghter. She didn’t get away unscathed either. Once we arrived in Texas her eye was swollen and red. And still today, nearly 3 weeks later she’s nursing an infected oil gland back to health.

I don’t think God wants us to hurt and walk around with swollen ankles and swollen eyes. But I do think he wants us to listen to his guidance and to not fight and ugly to one another.

Today she needs a job and I do too. We have a beautiful new townhome and we’ve been blessed to be given the funds to pay our first rent and even pay to furnish it with daily trips to the Goodwill and frequenting Facebook marketplace. We’re both here in Austin without any idea what our purpose or career path should be. We’re just here on faith that God has a reason he brought us here.

I was gifted a co-listing in real estate with my old broker who moved to San Antonio and I’ve made vidoes, fliers and my daughter and I even wrote a song about it. But we’ve not had a single showing in 3 weeks. Meanwhile, I was given a temporary transfer next month to Austin and was told I’d have to return to LA in August. Why would God not have them give me a permanent transfer? After all I signed a year lease.

My son hasn’t come to visit, although we set a room up for him. He’s been texting me pictures of him at the basketball court and he’s busy door-dashing to try to make some money. At the end of the month he said he’s coming back because the pro basketball player I met on a plane that drove my daughter to Florida is coming to visit us. I don’t want to say to much on this but God knows my hope and that’s definitely a little glimmer of Heaven that I look forward to seeing arrive.

In other news my mom just facetime’d me to let me say Happy Birthday to Drako. She’s been very kind to me and I’m grateful. And I need to make a video tonight for Majestic. My contract ends this month and I’m hoping they will renew with me at least to give me enough to pay my bills and not struggle. And finally, Joe says his house will be ready to list in 2 weeks. So many things keep me looking up and I’m not sure what will happen but I hope something very good is here for us all in Austin.

God knows what I need. Maybe I don’t have all that I want today but I’m doing my best to walk in faith and direct my thoughts to hopeful tomorrows. In the meantime, I feel led to start writing again. Not thoughts and emotions but truth. He’s writing my story and I am living inside of something that has been very difficult but each day I desire to surrender more into his plan and believe that what he has in store is greater than anything I could try to manifest on my own.

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