Strong but Weak

I’m in the Radisson Blu in Minneapolis tonight. I felt like I had favor over me leaving Austin when the parking woman stepped away from her regular job to kindly help me. I again felt like I had favor over me when I was given the entire row of 10 to relax and commute to LAX. I could say the same about the messages I received throughout the day from D that kept me occupied and smiling as we anticipate seeing eachother in another 24 hours from now.

My daughter showed my listed house today and the man sounded somewhat promising about deciding to make an offer after he thinks through it. The crew was nice and I courageously rebutled the young manager who sent a text message demanding I respond to issues on the job that I shouldn’t be dealing with. The night ended with me sharing my sad video with the assist who looked at me with deer in the head lights eyes and said, “You are a strong woman.” My mom texted me “I love you” for no reason. I sifted through pics of Drako and shared them with gladness. My son texted asking about having a crown put on his teeth and the world keeps spinning and I can’t deny that there seems to be a divine push telling me that I still have a reason to be here but why can’t I see it clearly?

I want love. I want the broken things to be healed. I want hope renewed and faith restored. I want to know God’s not mad at me and still has a beautiful plan for my life. I don’t know how to get there because I don’t have the power to do anything about anything and I only know that because I see how weak I’ve been when no one’s looking and how desperate my cries are and how terrifying it is to wonder if the God of the universe is still on my side and working things out for my good.

Is this just the way life is? A jumble of experiences that I’ve tried to piece together like there’s a reason for things when I have no evidence to believe that this path is leading anywhere other than where it’s been circulating for years upon years. I hear Kyle the therapist ask me, “What if this is it? What if it never gets better? What if this is as good as it gets – can you live with that?” And I know the answer is “no”.

I’m tired of the struggle. I’m tired of lying to myself that I’m doing ok. I’m tired of trying to turn breadcrumbs into a 4-course meal and I’m tired of pretending I have some sort of 6th sense knowing that beauty is coming in the midst of whatever this can all be defined by.

I’m tired of eating to feel human and hurrying to feel purposed and thriving to feel justified. I’m tired of thinking. I’m tired of wondering. I’m tired of hoping. But hope is the only thing I feel I have left to cling to on most days.

It’s 2:11. Her birthday. I’d have given up long ago if it weren’t for the sparkle in her eye. She has hope. She still has a dream. She wants to fall in love and make music and make babies and somehow turn this world into a better place.

God tonight I ask you to bless that light in her. I ask you to heal her, help her, uplift her, protect her and establish her.

Forgive me for not being a better mother to her in all the areas I have failed. Be what I try to be for her; a guide, a provider, a loving parent and a dream-maker.

In Jesus’ name…. Amen